Writing again

I’ve been out of writing for a while. Can’t think of anything to say. So I was thinking about it, and decided to do some free writing. I haven’t’ done this in so long. I think it’s a good thing. I know I’m supposed to write. I know that that’s a facet of who I am at my core. But that facet has lain dormant. I’m not sure why, though. It kinda seems that when I HAVE to write, I’ll write a lot more on my own. Ever since I’ve been back from Morningstar, I haven’t really felt like writing at all. But I feel a little guilty about this. I felt, when I moved back here, that my purpose was to write. And I haven’t. Inspiration has been thin. Someone asked me the other day: So have you written anything lately? I felt ashamed. Not that I feel obligated. I feel that I have been neglecting an important piece of who I am, and what I’m supposed to do. And so here I am. Writing. I don’t know what to say, but it’s high time I said something. When I write, I feel like I am far more able to convey what’s on my mind that just speaking. This is my voice. These are my truest thoughts, and rawest emotions. I feel, that by never writing at all, I lose my voice. That’s part of one’s freedom. That’s in our Constitution as one of our most intrinsic rights: to express ourselves and let our voice be heard. Perhaps that sounds like a strong statement for just writing, but that’s the beauty of it, really. You can say whatever you want. You can feel how you feel. You can be that person that not everyone sees, because it’s that primal part of you that is more passionate than social constructs will allow. I miss that person. I haven’t talked to her in a while. I think I should let her out more often and see what she has to say. Every once in a while, I am assigning myself to just write. Sometimes with a topic, sometimes without. I need to get back into the habit of writing. This is when I think the clearest. I think this will be a good way to do it.

Photography

Have I ever mentioned that I enjoy photography? I'm not the worlds most amazing photographer. I'll probably never work for National Geographic. I'll probably never be famous. But it's something that I love. Have you ever felt a stirring in your soul telling you that you have just done something that was supposed to happen? I often feel that when I take a picture. I am an artist to the core. That is part of my identity, and I love it. I'm not sure how much I'll ever do with this passion for photography, but I can't really picture not doing it. A week and a half ago, I photographed my first wedding. I'd like to do that again. But I can't really see that being my specialty. I guess overall, what I'd really love is to take pictures that make the viewer feel the same stirring of the soul that I feel. They say that a picture is worth a thousand words, but I think it's more than just that; a photo can hold emotion. I like that. A lot of my art captures my current state of being. It's better than a journal in a way, because photos really can say so much. So, as a challenge to myself, I think I'll be including more photography in my blog. Not that many people read this thing, but still.

Phenomenal Woman- That's Me

I’ve been in a season lately where I’ve been maturing a lot. God’s been showing me some things about my future, and I’ve begun to think about the woman I am, and want to become. There is a very distinct individuality in me, but I expect that to only become more distinct. I’m not like other girls. Never will be, never wanted to be. I am not submissive to anyone but God, but I am respectful to everyone. We are to yield to one another, but I don’t believe in being a doormat. I believe in respect and equality for all people. I am strong and independent, but at the same time, I know how to ask for help when I need it, and am not too proud to do so. I love my support system of friends and family, and I don’t know what I’d do without them. I am a passionate person. I love deeply. I feel strongly. But rarely do I show anger. I’m not very confrontational, I tend to choose my battles, but I can be fairly outspoken when I feel strongly about a matter. At the same time, I tend to be quite shy when I feel strongly about a person. I blush a lot when I like a guy. But beyond that situation, I rarely blush, as I very rarely get embarrassed. I see the beauty in life before I see the bad. Even artistically, I often see things that others would find dirty and ugly, as beautiful. I’d rather take a picture of a forgotten shoe on a rainy tennis court than a rose. I enjoy the simple things in life. I find small, little things make me happier than the extravagant ones. I’d rather enjoy a cup of tea or a glass of wine on a nice day with someone I love, than receive a diamond. I value love and happiness more than wealth. I love how every once in a while God just kind of tells you who you are. Not that I don't know me, of course, but He knows these things just a bit better than I do.

My thoughts on success.

Lately I've been pondering a lot about what it means to succeed in life. Eventually, there were so many thoughts swirling around my brain that I needed to write them down. Here's what I came up with:
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Success. What a novel concept. People want to succeed. Most of us aren’t even sure what exactly we are trying to succeed at/for/in. But nonetheless, we must be successful. To many people nowadays, success is really nothing more than security: having plenty of money, a good family, a place to live, etc. It mainly revolves around money. (Everything does, these days.) When it all comes down to it, the general definition for success in America is money. People sacrifice much to reach this kind of success. For some people, the biggest thing offered to the money gods is their relationships with other people. See, when the almighty dollar has lured you in that far, you become addicted. You simply don’t have time for those bothersome things they call “relationships.” I know of a man who says he’s in love with a woman. And yet, he completely ignores her all for the sake of “success.” Surely that’s not right. I know another young man who has no time for people who don’t have as much “success” as he does. He has alienated all of his friends who do not share his love of “success.” Turns out, he has very few friends left. Surely that’s not right.
When I looked up success in the dictionary, one of the definitions WAS to obtain wealth. However, that wasn’t the first definition. In my opinion, that is the typical American definition of success- NOT what the word was originally intended to mean. The other definition is to achieve something you have worked for- something you want and find important. That sounds more like success to me. This kind of success is more like satisfaction and, ultimately, happiness: to know that you have achieved your goals, and obtained what really matters to you. To me, true success is about determining your priorities and working toward getting what you really want from life.
Apparently for some people, money ranks as their top priority. Greed, wealth, and the “American dream” are what drives them. To me, that’s quite a bleak way to live life. As I said, wealth is addicting. In most cases that I’ve seen, the wealth addict will become solely focused on their money, and weed out anything in their life that gets in the way of that. And wealth they shall obtain. But by the time they’ve reached a certain level of satisfaction (not that they’re ever really satisfied), they have no one to share it with, or no time to enjoy it. Somehow, that doesn’t really strike me as success. They say money can’t buy happiness. As a general rule, I would say this is true. And really, when it comes down to it, what is the point in such endeavors if your life isn’t happy?
Furthermore, people aren’t meant to be alone. The whole human race was set up around relationship. God wanted relationship, so He made us. He then decided that it was not good for man to be alone in this world, so He created a companion. There would be no need for any of us if relationship were not important.
I suppose those things are what I’d call success: relationship and happiness. Those are two things, among others, that have been universally fought for for centuries. Happiness is so important that our forefathers felt it necessary to include it in our Declaration of Independence: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.” (The Declaration of Independence of the United States of America). So, if you can live the life you feel is right, and, throughout, are able to be healthy, happy, and surrounded by the ones you love, you are, in my books at least, a success.

Clarity.

I've been inspired lately. Something's stirring in my soul. Not sure of everything that's going on, but I can tell something's on the horizon. I know that this current chapter of my life is about self discipline and growing up. But I also know that there's more to it than that. This is a preparation. I'm being groomed for my future. No longer will everything feel like a shot in the dark, but a precise calculated aim. The word of the moment is clarity. This is the time when the lights will be turned on. Things that I couldn't see before will be more evident, and the future won't be as cloudy.

A few notes about me:

1. I tend to listen to different bands when I'm doing different things: The Beatles or John Mayer when I'm painting, Iron & Wine when I'm writing or sewing, John Mayer or Muse when I'm drawing, and Cobra Starship when I'm driving to work or doing housework). It's not always this way, but that's often the case.

2. On the phone, my mother's voice is identical to mine.

3. I cannot draw a hand that looks like it belongs to anything but a Dr. Seuss character.

4. I think that, in most situations, whispering is creepy.

5. I enjoy lists.

6. I hate bagels and corndogs (there are others, but those stand out at the moment).

7. Seven and seventeen are my favorite numbers.

8. Belly buttons creep me out.

9. While nobody really likes being tickled, I hate it more than most. Somehow, it makes me feel violated. Seriously. Don't tickle me.

10. I would like to visit Pripyat, Ukraine and the surrounding area that was also destroyed by the Chernobyl nuclear disaster. (Leave it to me to see a radioactive wasteland as a great tourist destination...)

11. I can't open a combination lock to save my life.

12. Showers make me sneeze. Baths do not. I'm not sure why.

13. The more tired/stressed/exhausted I get, the more Southern my speech becomes.

14. I am extremely opposed to any variation of beige.

15. Tea makes me happier. If I'm sad, I'll often drink tea.

16. Whistling annoys me immensely.

17. I hate the thought of anyone watching me sleep. It's really creepy to me.

18. If I'm sleeping very lightly, my eyes don't always close all the way.

19. My favorite flowers are lillies.

20. I am not the most touchy feely person in the world. If I don't know you, don't touch me. But if you're my friend, I'm pretty much going to hug you wheter you like it or not ;)

21. I only like Pepsi if I'm eating pizza. Not sure why.

22. I love any opportunity to dress up or in costume.

23. I rarely feel stressed. I used to a lot, but ever since I've had my job at Barnes & Noble, and ecpecially since I went to Morningstar, I can only think of one or two times that I actually felt stressed.

24. I , like a lot of girls, have a love for cute shoes. I don't, however, enjoy wearing any shoes. I have a decent collection of heels, but would rather be barefoot.

25. Up until 5th grade, I was always one of the tallest in my class...I stopped getting taller when I was 12, and am now 5'2".

26. I have had my heart broken. And only about 5 people know the story.

27. I didn't have any kids in my neighborhood when I was little, so I developed a very active imagination. As a result, there are cassette tapes somewhere with my 6 year old voice hosting an imaginary radio program. I sang songs, reported "news" (things along the lines of what my mother was making for lunch that day), and even made up commercials.

28. You know I'm having a rough day if I'm drinking a double tall white mocha.

29. One time, when I was younger, I was sick. So, like she always did in that situation, my mom went out and bought me everything she though I might need or want while I was sick. Among the items she brought home were 7-up and bendy straws. Those bendy straws made my day.

30. I hate clowns and Santa Claus.

31. I tend to walk on the balls of my feet.

32. I hate geese.

Vague is Better Than Nothing...

Today, while chatting with my best friend, and perusing Wikipedia at random, I found out that one of my favorite classical pieces, Chopin's Nocturne Op. 9 No.2, was composed when Frederic Chopin was only 20 years old. That got me thinking: I just turned 20 years old; how amazing would that be if I could accomplish something even half that epic? So I decided to make a goal for myself: in the remaining 11 months of my 20th year, I want to do at least one thing that I can be truly proud of. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not on a quest for vanity and pride, or looking to make myself look important, but rather, I am looking to start trying. At the moment, there is little more to my life than being a barista. I'm definitely looking to change that. I'd like to do something that will make my life, and hopefully the lives of those around me, even a little bit better. Now, I don't as of yet have really ANY clue as to what I'll be doing to accomplish that goal, but I feel it's best to leave the guidelines broad. I figure even if you're shooting in the dark, if you shoot enough places, you'll eventually hit something. So here goes: here's to making the world a more epic place, one random thing at a time.